Only Knew Her as a Child

This is a story of my life, my many encounters with destiny and the rugged places it has often left me. Today I talk of my childhood crush and constant fantasy. Her name today will be Victoria which is of course not her real name.

I first met Victoria when I was in class six, she must have been in class three or two and she was a real beauty.  Curse me for my evil head but even as a child I could tell an angel from a pageant of beauties because she was.  Her teeth were as white as snow, her skin as soft as silk. Victoria had all her eye lashes and eye brows, all so thick and dark. Her smile was super perfect and adding this to her beautifully sunk dimples; she could no less placed at the apex of my daily fantasies.

 Victoria’s mum was a splendor too, old but still attractive even to the eyes boy only eleven years old. I loved her because she took a total good care of my angel, Victoria; making sure she always kept Victoria’s long black hair well kept. Sometimes just letting it flow all the way down her long neck and sometimes having it curled or twisted into different styles and shapes. Always dressing her daughter in brightly colored cloths that enhanced her innocence and had everyone notice her sparkling beauty, I loved this woman and awkwardly wished she was my mother too.

We were only kids and apart from always wanting to play together, to eat together and to talk and argue about nothing at all, we knew nothing more.
Had we been thirteen that would have been an opportune for our first kiss or even better sixteen, we would have tried that game of mum and dad, but we were just kids. Kids so much attracted to each other and pulled together by innocent beauty and parents’ fate of working together. Atancher, Victoria’s best friend knew we were dating and even suspected us of doing more. She took us for naughty kids who knew than we should have. Haha! May be she was right. There is this one instant which still remains so clearly stuck in my head. That day Victoria showed me how it looks before circumcision, hehe! I didn't just say that, did I!

Then fate separated us and took us apart, far away from each other. Victoria lost her mom as I lost my dad too and we both retreated back to our rural homes to live with our kin. In all the confusion brought about by pain and grief we never even had a chance of saying bye-bye to each other and so many years passed. Her memories and the sweet moments always fixed on my mind and waves of hope for meeting again someday shaped my person. Each time I met a beautiful girl and felt glimpses of attraction strike my heart I would push Victoria to the back of my head and forget about her for the moment, but this only lasted until the unlucky lady did something that Victoria would not do. Any time the unlucky lady giggled the way she would not or even touched me the way she would presumably not a the long trod to a breakup would have been initiated.

It sounds like a silly confession, but now that am old and grown, am not afraid to admit that my childhood crush remotely controlled my love life for twelve years and contributed majorly to the many breakups I had. The hope of meeting her again made me not look back whenever something went wrong in my past relationships. I knew I would meet her someday, I knew she was perfect and as such I could never settle for nothing less.

One year after completing my University studies I renewed my search for Victoria. I had just broken up with another girl over a cartoon program. Funny, don’t you thing? A break up instigated by Penguins of Madagascar! I also believed that was funny in a ridiculous way until now that I have realized it was all about Victoria. So I set out to look for her. I asked everyone who knew her, the people we lived with us, both old and young. Sometimes I would use the pretense of wanting to catch up or just networking while to those I was free with, I would just be open. I was so determined; I wonder even where I got all impel and zeal. Another confession, sorry today I am opening my heart so much but all this time, I also had some internal fear. What if she was seeing someone else, or even worse engaged or already married? What if life’s hardships had changed her physique or her lifestyle changed for the ones I had always rejected other girls for? What if she had grown hard skin, lost her dimple, cut her long hair, grown a tummy or even had pimples cover all her angelic beauty? I had my reservations. Time had gone and she must have took off her brightly colored dresses for the black leggings, skinny trousers or put on black shades that exaggerate her as a Tomboy rather than this sweet girl who has always been my ideal wife.

After a long unyielding search finally I made a trip back to the famous Rural where we used to live and luckily met someone who had maintained close contact with her ever since. To my surprise it was boy, younger than me and pretty much her age mate. Heart beats. I went ahead and called her three weeks after getting her phone number. She still knew me; she even admitted that she had had some secret love for me, Score. We talked about our past, the things we did together and separately, the people we met and pretty much about everything and anything that came up. Can you believe we even talked about the guy who had taken away her bloom? She was so free with me even though that specific topic made me feel a little uneasy. I knew it had happened, but still did she really have to bear it out to me.

We started calling and texting whenever we had our fingers free to the phone even late into the night. I was so much in love and the anticipation was having a better part of me. We set a date to meet and she really looked up to it too. It finally happened that we meet and the things I was afraid of suddenly did not hold even miniature weight. Though she had changed a little she was still very beautiful. Her voice and tonal variation got even better and I wanted to keep her talking all the time. Whenever she giggled the memories did a replay in the back of my head. He dimple was still confirming its permanency with each smile she made. Her neck so soft and long, her posture still the beauty pageant type. Though her complexion had changed for a little yellow unlike the soft brown skin I knew as a child, I did not have any problem with that. She also had pimples probably because of her age, twenty one, or cosmetics which filled her makeup shelf but still; I make a clean breast that her outside beauty was still flawless.

On that week I visited, for the two days I had the best companion of my life’s time. My Victoria is a good entertainer, she keeps you wanting more. She never gets dull and does not give it to you all at the same time. One at a time, one step after the other and these were the new sweet qualities she had acquired over the twelve years break. I liked her and loved her with all my heart. Her name became my Facebook password, her picture my screen saver and even got contacts a position one in my speed dial. On this day, the first day of my visit, Victoria was in a black legging and a dress-top; she looked so beautiful in it. On that night I took her out and we had some nyama choma. I bought her some liquor but just as an ideal woman that she was, she could not take the second can of Snap. Ridding back to her house on a motor bike she sat in front of me and I all the way took in all her body warmth. I lusted and the night was explosive.

In the morning we had coffee together, just like a couple then took a shower, ‘unwillingly’ not together because she wanted to scrub my back. Later we had photo session with me as the default cameraman. Her skin so soft, her curves so natural and feminine, I was enjoying my new role as each time with each dress the fitting was perfect. Even much better were the times she took off her clothes and stood in front of me bare, her breasts pointing at me you would imagine they were accusing of a crime of lust. Victoria was still the woman I wanted to cuddle with; she was still the lady I want to have my children with. Her skinny jeans did not deter me even a bit and I had automatically shift-deleted her little uncomfortable past with the guy who stole her bloom.

It is three weeks since I was last at Victoria’s house and I now sadly believe she is only the girl I knew as a child and who is totally a different person today. Exactly a week after coming from Victoria’s house she did something terrible. She ignored my calls the whole of Friday evening and on Saturday morning before eventually switching off her phone till Monday midday. Victoria had gone to visit her boyfriend, probably her age mate, in another university and spent the whole weekend there. Most painfully she made me apologize for accusing her falsely. I knew I was right of my suspicion since her sister confirmed it to me painfully, I was right she had gone to see her real long time lover and I had even unknowingly contributed towards her bus fare. Victoria is my love, the love of my life. I love her so much. So I apologized and prayed that the same never happen again.

I now believe that she is only the girl I knew because she has done it again, she has messed it up again and I am yet to apologize. I still love you, Victoria, but this time my heart is heavy and it will be so hard going on my knee again to say the same sorry words I just said a fortnight ago. This same girl, Victoria, whom I had planned to take home to my ageing grandma for matrimonial blessing this Christmas, has caused me a great embarrassment. A swig of pain is chocking me as I record this story of a girl I knew because I know she has traveled the same route she traveled a fortnight ago. My eye muscles are twitching with increasing frequency, shaking down tears of love. The same love I have always hoped would have no better ending.  Love now slipping off my grip as I watch.

What does a man do when loving is so hard, when loving is so painful and yet uninsured?